One-liners

I am absolutely bereft of the ability to think of a topic today, so I'm just going to offer you some one-liners from a user forum I frequent. They made me smile, so here goes, starting with two of my own.

I called my first wife Titanic because she went down only once.

Laying in bed my wife said, "with one finger make me scream", so I poked her in the eye.

From Dapleb

My favourite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle

 - She tortoise well.

My maths teacher called me average.

 - How mean!

My boss told me to have a good day.

 - So I went home!

I went for a vasectomy 'cos I don't want kids.

 - I got home OK but they were still there.

What did the drummer call his daughters?

 -  Anna One, Anna Two, Anna Three.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic

 - He said, "Sure, knock yourself out".

To the man in a wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket

 - You can hide but you can't run.

I thought my printer started playing music

 - But it was only jamming.

James Bond never farts in bed.

 - It would blow his cover.

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald.

 - I don't mind, it's hair loss.

When my wife is depressed I let her colour-in my tattoo

 - Because she just wants a shoulder to crayon.

Did you know dyslexic zombies only eat Brians

and Bruce Lee's vegan brother was called Brocco Lee.

I've written a book about how to safely fall down stairs.

 - It's a step-by-step guide.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink

 - Now I'm in hospital waiting to be seen.

A book just fell on my head

 - but I only have my shelf to blame.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with their heads cut off.

 - I think I'm being stalked

I couldn't believe dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

 - He denied it of course, but the signs were there.

My health coach came from Jamaica.

 - She teaches Pilates Of The Caribbean.

I've started investing in stocks, beef, chicken and vegetables.

 - One day I hope to become a bouillionaire.

Going uphill with a cart full of horseshoes, 4 leaf clovers & rabbits feet. 

 - I though he's really pushing his luck.

I was desperate to pee at the swimming pool so I did in the deep end.

 - A lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

I have a hen who can count her own eggs,

 - She's a mathemachicken.

An Egyptian mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been found.

 - Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, 500 in Roman numerals.

 - IM LIVID

I know a chameleon who a can't change colour anymore.

 - He's got a reptile dysfunction.

Macbeth was the greatest chicken killer

 - because he did murder most foul.

I got a dog off the blacksmith today.

 - As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.

From Paul047

I went into a public loo and passed a sign, "Wet Floor".

 - So I did!

From AliG

For lesbians with depression a new drug is available.

 - It's called Tricoxagain.

Cowboys used a lantern on their saddle to find their way home.

 - This was saddle light navigation.

Nothing's built in the UK today, I bought a TV that said "built in aerial".

 - I don't even know where that is.

I'm a little worried about my addiction to Viagra

 - and my wife is taking it very hard.

My wife blamed me for ruining her birthday, but that's ridiculous.

 - I didn't even know it was her birthday.

From Favs

I have a fear of speed humps

 - but I'm getting over it.

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger

 - then it struck me.

Our postman's a daredevil.

 - He's always pushing the envelope.

In our new restaurant, called Karma, there is no menu.

 - You just get what you deserve.

From Harvy Krumpet

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

 -  and experiencing constant vowel movements

 -  but the next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

What do you call a snake approximately 3.14 meters long?

 - A Pi-thon.

The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones

 - but the people in Abu Dhabi do.

My 4 year old son doesn't know the Spanish for please.

 - I just think that's poor for four.

I've heard blind people don't skydive as it upsets their dog

and what washes on to small beaches are microwaves.

At the sperm bank a nurse asked me to masturbate in the cup.

 - I told her I wasn't ready to compete yet.

From Drewpy

It's freezing outside and my wife keeps looking through the window.

 - If she keeps doing it I'll eventually have to let her in.

Tampax are bringing out a new tampon, replacing the string for tinsel.

 - It's being released for the Christmas period.

My wife irritatingly told me to stop impersonating a Flamingo.

 - So I had to put my foot down.

From Snowbird

How many fingers am I holding up asked the doctor last week.

 -  That was the strangest prostate exam I've ever had.

Having developed a phobia to German sausage

 - I now fear the wurst.

From Hombre

I was going to re-marry my ex wife

 - but then she realised I was only after my money.

It's 100 yards to the pub, yet 200 yards back again.

 - The difference is staggering.

From ChrisG

The saying "I before E, except after C" was disproved by a scientist.

My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus.

 - I was shocked, appalled, dismayed and stunned.

I woke up grumpy this morning and I don't know why.

 - I usually let her have a lie in.